Review: "The Good Daria" by genolover

Every now and then, you read fan fiction that really makes you think, even if it only makes you think of an episode of Family Guy. In the episode "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas" evil genius baby decides to be good in the hopes of scoring some sweet, sweet plutonium from Santa Claus. Likewise, the protagonist of our universe makes a decision to be "good - whatever that means" in The Good Daria.

Therefore, Daria strives for goodness in this story that edges precariously into alternate universe territory. One is never quite sure whether or not this is an alternate universe, as Daria's efforts at moral goodness have far-reaching results...we think. We never quite see the results, but the scenes are described in such crisp, illustrative prose that you can't help but think yes, all of these characters were changed, even Daria and Jane.

The springboard comes from a reading of Machiavelli's The Prince, particularly Machiavelli's statement that a prince cannot be a good man and a good ruler at the same time. Jane makes a comment that Daria is a "Princess", but Daria is disturbed by Jane's evaluation - she sees herself as being a good person and disdaining the conceit that she could "rule" anything. Jane, on the contrary, sees Daria differently:

You've gotten past all of this wishy-washy crap. You see stuff, you size it up and you take advantage of it. Nothing escapes the old Daria laser beam. There's nothing good about either of us...and that's the way I like it. We're criminales.

Daria takes offense, but Jane counters that Daria could never be good and stay Daria. "You couldn't go fifteen minutes without putting someone or something down." Therefore, Daria bets Jane that she can be morally good and still keep her essential self. Daria jokes that she will be "chaotic good and not lawful good" but finds herself in a quick moral thicket.

In her first attempt at being good, Daria decides to knock off the sarcasm. This not only renders her silent - there's a great scene when Jane throws her softball premises in conversation that beg to be punctured by sarcasm and Daria must remain mute - but Jane claims that when Daria shuts up, Daria is no longer Daria anymore. Daria wins the first round by delivering helpful criticism with her sarcasm heavily camouflaged, but even though Jane is satisfied...Daria isn't. She sees herself as cheating, winning on a technicality. "I'm calling myself good when I'm really just cheating," and Daria begins a soul searching where she really tries to be good and helpful.

Daria's stab at goodness has consequences. Quinn takes advantage of Daria's goodness, as Quinn understands Daria better than anyone else besides Jane and Helen. Whenever Daria gives an inch, Quinn is right there to take five miles and Daria's home life becomes miserable. However, her random acts of kindness have unexpected effects on Jodie, who

...was stuck with petty hypocricy from her father, her mother, Ms. Li, congressment, her tennis coach and just about everyone. Every day she found it easier and easier to go along to get along. Jodie hungered for moral goodness.

And with that, Jodie begins to confide in Daria (sometimes intrusively). Daria becomes Jodie's sounding board as Jodie pours out her woes, and Daria feels that listening to Jodie "fills her daily goodness requirement". Even so, listening to Jodie moan about everything in her life quickly becomes tedious for Daria. Daria seeks peace in the Beautitudes of Christ - even though Daria calls herself an agnostic, Daria feels that "Christ should have a chance to be as wrong as the next guy" and Daria makes an attempt to strengthen her goodness from the Corporal Works of Mercy:

Feed the hungry
Give drink to the thirsty
Clothe the naked
Shelter the homeless
Comfort the imprisoned
Visit the sick
Bury the dead

The next chapters recount Daria's humorous failures. Daria nearly burns down the kitchen in her attempts to feed the hungry, and her visit to a triathalon to give drink to the thirsty finds Daria disgusted when the runners either take one drink and throw away Daria's water or drench themselves in it. No one wants any of Daria's clothes, and her attempt to shelter a (theoretically) homeless squirrel brings Jake on the warpath. Daria's visit to Sandi when she's grounded leads to a rant from Sandi on Daria tying to spy on Quinn. Brittany inadvertently gives Daria her cold, and it looks like Daria is going to go 0-for-6.

It is when burying the miserable homeless squirrel ("Peanut butter ice cream tonight!" Jake cries in celebration) that Daria has her epiphany. To be good is, in many respects, to suffer. It requires spiritual fortitude, and Daria concludes.

I was not too cool to be good. I was not too cynical for goodness. I was not not good because I was too much of a rebel. The simple fact is that being good was just too god-damned difficult and inconvenient. It wasn't that I didn't want to be good; it was that being good was too hard. I wasn't too hard - I was too sensitive.

In the end, Daria can only conclude to "try harder next time". Daria gives up her quest for goodness and decides to swing at "the low-hanging fruit of goodness". Daria gets to keep her laziness and cynicism...but also, becomes a better person. (Quinn also gets her comeuppance.)

A guy named Stanislaw Lem turned me on to this tale. Unfortunately, I deleted this story and all I have are the quotes. I can't seem to find it anywhere on the web. If you see a copy of this story turn up, please send it to Fortress CINCGREEN, up in the High Castle.