The First Iron Law of Sports

"I can't believe how much time I had wasted watching any old piece of shit ballgame that happened to show up on TV. I must have thought there was some inborn male obligation to tune in and root every time a bunch of sweaty assholes got together to mix it up in a stadium somewhere."

-George Carlin


As a follower of a particular sport, I used to take offense to any claim that the sport I followed was boring. I used to build up arguments in my head explaining to myself (and to others) why sport X, far from boring, was actually the epitome of how a sport should be played. Most of the arguments went along the lines of "you just don't respect the intricacies of Sport X". And beside, the favorite sports of all the naysayers are boring as well.

Do you disbelieve me? What about American football? The NFL? The Most Exciting Sport Ever? We'll let internet dumbasses be the judge.

"American Football takes on average about 3 hours to complete and has about 12 minutes of actual ball in play action (The average NFL game contains about 120 actual plays, which take an average of six seconds each. That's 720 seconds of play, or 12 minutes). That means that only 5% of the game is action and 95% of the game is the borefest of standing around, scratching and slapping butts, getting off and on the field and endless commercials for Viagra and Cialis. You spend 5 seconds watching action by which I mean fat guys in pads and Lycra tights pushing each other, then minutes of complete boredom followed after.

The only people who would even dream of objecting to this interpretation of this most boring of sports are Americans, the same way only the Japanese will object to the notion of Sumo Wrestling being boring. But whether its American football or Sumo wrestling, they are both played by fatasses and both are incredibly boring and look incredibly gay, hence will never become popular outside their nations of origin. Its plain and simple and the whole world agrees on it, American football is boring, tedious and a ***** version of rugby."

"Well, the whole world has already agreed that American football is BORING BORING BORING BORING. Now I know that Americans are emotionally attached to the game just like with baseball, but still….the game is BORING BORING BORING. When you spend 95% of the time watching NO ACTION, the game is BORING. PERIOD. That’s why no one outside America watches American football."

Okay? Then how about basketball? Throwing down killer dunks? In your face play? That's gotta be exciting....

"all these dunks are the same. basketball is boring. they trade baskets until the last few minutes. then they call time outs few sections. also, to stop the clock they intentionally foul on every play. Boring. this is the only sport that intentionally fouls to gain an advantage. this sport is very hard watch."

"I personally find watching points being scored all the time boring, as single events are rarely game-changing and there is rarely any tension and suspense involved in my opinion. "

"The NBA's problem is that the underlying mathematics of the league are screwed up. In every sport, there is an element of predetermination and an element of randomness in the outcomes. Who will win the championship next year is not entirely a crapshoot. We know that Kentucky has a better chance of winning the NCAA basketball title than Nebraska does - next year, or in 2019. If we knew with certainty who was going to win the title next year, then we could say that the championship was 100 percent predetermined, 0 percent random.

In the NBA, the element of predetermination is simply too high. Simply stated, the best team wins too often. If the best team always wins, then the sequence of events leading to victory is meaningless. Who fights for the rebound, who sacrifices his body to keep the ball from rolling out of bounds doesn't matter. The greater team is going to come out on top anyway."

Okay. Baseball. America's Sport, played in Green Cathedrals. No one could have an issue with baseball, could they?

"Again, haven't these guys been playing baseball their whole lives? Then they come up to the plate in the championship series and take 38 practice swings? Isn't that was practice is for?"

"Many years ago, a writer -- I think it was Brock Yates -- defined baseball along these lines: Two guys stand 60 feet apart and throw a ball back and forth. Every once in a while, a third guy sticks a piece of wood in the way. A fourth guy sits behind a microphone and says things such as, "We've got a barn-burner going here!""

"162 games, are you kidding me? Some might argue that these players actually work for their money, but come on. They aren’t working too hard in the dugout, waiting to wait for their pitch. Baseball season is too long. Whether you are a fan or not, you can’t truthfully tell me that you are interested in every single game. Games 40 – 120 are an absolute bore to me. Nothing really matters until the final twenty games of the season. The season needs to be cut down drastically."

So which sports have a right to call other sports boring? There are two schools of thought. One school is that there is one religion that has the truth. The other school is that all religions have the truth. Therefore, we conclude with CINCGREEN's First Iron Law of Sports.

All sports are boring.

The corollary to the First Iron Law of Sports: All sports are boring, but my sport is not.

Remember this the next time you're in a tedious internet argument. The great thing about the First Iron Law is that it is universally applicable.

Do you not like sports? This is because all sports are boring.
Do you like a sport better than some other sports? This is because all sports are boring, but my sport is not.

Ta-da. If there's a Second Iron Law of Sports, I'll let you know.