About a month or so later, I picked up the Lawndale Sun-Herald. The previous owner of our home subscribed to it and the shrink-wrapped fodder for recycling showed up faithfully in our driveway every day even though neither of us had interest in it. Bored from studying, I picked up the paper and walked to the dining room table.
As usual, the Sun-Herald's reporting was strong on what I call "local color" - it was fifteen pages of "happy news". Reading the Lawndale entry on city-data.com, many local Lawndale residents were unhappy with the media coverage. The paper was big on local boosterism, reactionary politics and high school football. It reminded me of my hometown's paper...too much.
A bored man, however, will find his diversions wherever he can. I quickly glanced through the first five pages without a single article catching my eye. I finally caught something interesting:
Party Out of Bounds in Crewe Neck Crashed by Police
The writer must have been an old B-52s fan. I knew Crewe Neck quite well because it wasn't far from where we lived. Every time I drove by Crewe Neck I would see this sign.
Crewe Neck Estates
New Homes Available
Luxury Lots
From $750,000
I figured that I would soon be reading a tale of decadence that would rival Berlin in the 1920s. The truth was much more pedestrian:
"Police were called at 10:20 pm to the Crewe Neck Estates on a complaint of public disturbance caused by a raucous party. Three local high school students were charged with disorderly conduct and failure to disperse. Several vehicles at the location were ticketed and the host was cited for violation of the Crewe Neck Estates noise ordinance."
"Security guard Rob Jesperen, who had left his gate station, was found by Lawndale police in attendance at the party. Jesperen claimed that two teenage girls had 'deceived' him into abandoning his post."
Ruth came to the kitchen to look for a snack. I reported my findings to her. "My quiz question: what is missing from this article?"
"Well, the who is missing. And the why. What are you reading?"
"The Lawndale Sun-Herald."
"Oh, it figures. How's Mallard Fillmore doing?"
"Ha ha. So what do you think the 'deceit' was? Blow job?"
"Probably free beer," said Ruth. "Those guys at the gate house don't get paid anything."
"You know," I said, "they bust the poor sap at the gate but I don't read the name of the 'host' or those kids anywhere in this article. I wonder why?"
"Well, it's Crewe Neck. Probably some politician or high school football player."
"Right." I folded the paper.
"Any coupons?" Ruth asked.
"No."
"Then put it in recycling," she said. Grumbling, I complied.
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