"Bless Us and Keep Us (Kid Nation)", 10-10-2007

There are two reasons why I like "Kid Nation".

1. Kids are naturally funny. They're smaller versions of ourselves, with an impaired logic unit, but not the surging hormones that make them dangerous to themselves and others. Sort of like cute little Forrest Gumps.

2. A kid reality show subverts the entire nature of reality TV. The modern Schroedinger's Law of TV states that once the cameras start rolling, people give up acting normal. In the Internet, given anonymity, the default interface is "annoying jerk". However, in reality TV, the default interface is "annoying jerk" without any of the anonymity.

For example, take "Survivor". There was a commercial for "Survivor" during "Kid Nation" that featured some woman acting like a jackass. Excuse me, madam? Don't you know that millions of people are watching you? People who have access to an internet connection and can learn you name? Don't you know that your mother is watching?

Most of the kids on "Kid Nation" don't know the rules of reality TV. I guess to them, TV is a big thing and they actually want to put their best foot forward on it. (The older a kid is on "Kid Nation", the more likely he or she is to act out.) That, and they undoubtedly know their parents and classmates are watching.

It must be hard to cast "Kid Nation". For other reality shows, it's easy. Simply get one of every ethnic group based on race, color, religion, sex, age, and national origin. Then add one person who belongs in a psyche ward, or more appropriately, in prison.

Therefore, on "Kid Nation", you can occasionally see the kids prodded by some stick wielded by producers. The concept of "Kid Nation" -- kids form their own town, without supervision -- is a lie. The "ghost town" in the Old West the kids live in has been brought up to building code standards -- can't have the saloon's roof crashing in on little Jennifer.

So this episode begins with the kids holding a spontaneous conversation about religious belief. Morgan and Sophia have this discussion on the way to the ol' waterpump on whether or not we were put on this earth for a reason. The littler kids are also having this discussion, and break up into "my religion is better than yours", or properly, "my God can beat up your God!"

You don't see the stick, but guess what? The four members of the town council are looking at the book left by the former settlers of Bonanza City, which happens to be written in perfect laser-set font. (This explains why the town went bust -- they bought internet stock.) The book tells the town council (of four kids, who lead color-designated teams) that they should start a religious service.

The town counci leaders decide to have a Unitarian, one-size-fits-all service. This doesn't go over well, as some kids feel they might get cooties. One kid says that religious differences start wars, and the kids have a general sense that this is a hot topic, and it is better that individual groups of kids get together in their own way rather than be forced into one mold.

The town council decides no dice -- there's going to be one religious service.

They ring the bell for the camp meeting.

No one shows up to the mandatory assembly. Which is a first in Kid Nation, where the citizens usually obey the tribal elders.

Mallory, meanwhile, quietly goes door to door and invites kids who want to participate to a religious service. Mallory is a Christian, but she invites other faiths to take part and each representative tries to do his best to be a good representative of his/her faith. One fourteen-year old boy breaks down in tears, because he is so incredibly moved by the coming together. It was probably the best moment on the show so far.

There is some fol-de-rol about a competition: each of the four color-coded groups represents a "class":

1. The upper class, which isn't required to do anything and is paid the most.
2. The merchant class, which runs the saloon/candy story and is paid slightly less.
3. The cooks, who prepare meals, and
4. The laborers, which do the hardest work and are paid least.

There is class turnover, represented by one of these awful contrived "Survivor-Type" tasks ("each team member must crawl through a ditch of fire, then Solve a Rubik's Cube, then compete in a caber-toss...."). The team finishing first gets upper-class privileges, but if all teams complete the task in the alloted time, everyone gets the choice of two gifts. One fun, the other "practical".

Everyone finishes this joke task. The "fun" gift is that the producers will build a putt-putt course in the middle of the town. ("Why don't the kids build it?") The other "practical" gift is a set of religious texts: the Bible, the Torah, Dianetics, etc.

The kids loudly debate, everyone speaking at once. The four councillors decide that unlike last week -- when the chose an Old-West microwave (!!) over a pizza party -- decide to let the hoi polloi vote.

I was astonished to learn that the kids chose the holy books. Then again, it shouldn't be so surprising -- the kids have always chosen the practical gift over the fun gift, meaning that they might be more serious-minded than they would be given credit for.

My question: if these kids are so religious (and they are, with only three kids self-selecting as "atheist" by the eight-year old who surveyed them), then why didn't they bring their own Bibles? Hey, I had my own Bible when I was eight. Do I detect the presence of the producers' stick, or is it just my God-hating paranoia?

Of course, there is discontent. The yellow team, finishing third yet again, is assigned the cooking duty. Except that they don't treat it seriously. They are led by 10-year old Taylor, an avid participant in kids beauty pageants and apparently averse to both work and criticism. She already has a catchphrase -- "Deal with it!" -- and self-aware Taylor is already making full use of it. (Once again, looking for that stick.)

Zach, another member of the yellow team, is disgusted. He decides to organize whatever help he can to get the duties of the yellow team finished while Taylor lolls about.

And of course, as "Survivor" has its Tribal Council and "The Amazing Race" has its Philimination, "Kid Nation" has its gold star. Each week, the council votes on a gold star winner. Except this gold star is actually made of gold. And is worth $20,000 cash.

There is some debate. Zach is a nominee, but Taylor won't be shown up by a member of her own team -- as nominations must be unanimous, this kills him. Greg, the hard-working 15 year old and the oldest kid there, is nominated, but Mike vetoes the nomination. Greg wants the gold star, ergo, he doesn't deserve it. More than likely, the real reason is that Greg doesn't like Mike and the feeling is mutual.

By default, the gold star winner is Mallory. The adult leader -- they need some adult to run these contests of course -- asks any of the campers if they want to go home.

Oddly enough, Cowboy Cody takes the ticket out of town. He is only the second kid to leave in four episodes. He misses his family....

...and, his girlfriend. Cody is nine and already has a girlfriend who sends him pictures and everything! I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 17! It's this damn internet, I tells ya! Get off my lawn!

Next episode: "Viva La Revolucion!" But will the adults supply the rope?