Ain't and Cain't

My wife says that she notices something whenever I call my poor sweet mother still living in the Appalachian house where I grew up - my dialect begins to change. A drawl becomes more pronounced. Irregular sentence constructions seep in. A few words like 'shoot' as an interjection might pop out.

And yet, my speech is rather flat. Part of it is because I have overgrown adenoids, not so overgrown as to require surgery but enough to give my voice a flat nasal flavor, like that of an Indiana anchorman.

Another reason is that when I grew up, everybody "talked country". Your voice marked you as a member of your community. And one of the first things I could see what that my community wasn't going anywhere. Maybe it's part of being a self-hating Appalachian, but if that's the case I became a self-hating Appalachian at the age of five years old. I would watch TV - TV was my religion - and I noticed that all the cool people on TV don't talk like us. All the people that speak like us - "us" - are stuck living on dirt roads. All those other people speak differently.

(Notice: when I wrote this passage the first time, I wrote "all of those people that talk like us". And "are stuck down here living on dirt roads". See, it's starting to creep in already.)

So I began to speak differently. I must have figured that if I could speak like Lee Majors I'd become the Six Million Dollar Man.

However, there is one word that I hang onto religiously, or at least try to. The word is written "can't" - can not - but is pronounced to rhyme with "ain't" and is best spelled "cain't".

It seems natural to me that "cain't" is the obvious pronunciation of this word. All of the "good speakers" tried to teach me to prounce the word as "cAHHnt" to rhyme with, say, Immanuel Kant. But "caHHnt" sounds ridiculously hoity-toity. "Puttin' on airrrrs" they might say down in the holler, or better yet, "stuck up". I couldn't imagine tossing a "caHHNt" out of my mouth; I'd never live it down.

The only other alternative was "caaaaan't", with the "a" sound rhyming with "rasp" or "had". There's nothing wrong with a good caaaaan't. But my mind's first alternative to "can not" is "cain't".

"Cain't" just sounds right. I like "cain't".

So if you're reading this and are Appalachian, or southern, or black, or Hispanic, or whatever...locate a few words that you like for storage and use them at all opportunities. "Cain't" is my word of choice, a Jethro Bodine marching into the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills, not knowing enough to be ashamed of itself and damned happy to boot.