This is what you get when you have multiple blogs. Sometimes you post on the wrong blog. I accidentally posted this on the old Daria Fandom Blog, then when it failed to populate on Fortress CINCGREEN, I simply assumed it had been lost in the ether, for the better.
However, since legendeld went to the trouble of actually finding it on the old DFB site, I have since removed the post from the old site and reposted it here, where it should have been.
--CG
(* * *)
Dear legendeld,
I hope that your purpose in writing "Earthfall" was, as it is said, soli Deo Gloria -- "for the glory of God", in this case, the God of writing. There is nothing wrong at all with seeking positive recognition in the act of writing; God knows we all get too little of it in day to day life.
If you didn't get the positive recognition you sought, I apologize for that. As for myself, I don't publicize this blog. There are people who know it exists but I don't go out of my way to draw attention to it. The Angst Guy has it linked; I've never asked him to unlink it but I've never reciprocated the link or even made note of it. Rest assured, the number of readers of this blog is a mere handful, and given your nominations for The Booties and the other positive accolades you have received in 2007, I hope you will not begrudge me my small work here. Indeed, it seems that you are held in some esteem in Daria fandom and hopefully my comments will not impede your future work.
I do take a slight objection to your claim that I have "republished the work". There was some editing, but no creation of characters, no changing of words or situations. Only a very small part of Chapter 1 Part 1 of EarthFall -- less than a tenth part -- was altered, and other parts have been written since then. You have left the impression that somehow, I've claimed credit for this work and tried to make it my own. Let me assure you that this is not the truth.
On the whole, I believe it would be fair to say that your contributions to the fandom are valued, in that it takes courage to throw one's work out there to what could be a pack of ravenous hungry wolves. I've only taken a small bite at it, and I've suggested remedies to bind the wounds and serve as future wolfs bane. Hopefully, my taking liberties with the text balances out against your claim that I have somehow claimed this work as my own.
My somewhat bold opinion is that it would be a mistake to ignore the criticism posted here, for if I've noticed these problems with the work, then other writers have certainly noticed them. My entire review concerned the format of the tale and made no moral judgment regarding the story told. Besides, I don't claim that I have supernatural power to separate the sheep from the goats or to claim that "this is a good/bad tale, and shall be forever and ever, Amen". On the contrary, I merely point out what I think is obvious.
I don't have any immediate plans to review future chapters of "EarthFall". However, I reserve the right to review other works of yours in the future. After all, you never e-mailed me personally to tell me that you were writing "EarthFall" and I therefore find it unfair for you to make the demand that I inform you personally when your work is reviewed.
I'll conclude by writing about Mark Twain, one of my favorite writers. He wrote a story called "The Man Who Corrupted Hadleyburg". The town of Hadleyburg had as its motto, "Lead Us Not Into Temptation". Circumstances, however, forced Hadleyburg into temptation for which they were not prepared. As a result, the town changed its motto to "Lead Us Into Temptation", and Twain ends with “It is an honest town once more, and the man will have to rise early that catches it napping again.”
Therefore, I say, seek out harsh criticism, the harsher the better. If you're interested in improving as a writer -- and it's a sad thing when someone isn't interested in self-improvement if relatively painless -- you should find a beta-reader who will tell you what is wrong with a story. smk, Dennis, and Scissors MacGillicutty are excellent betareaders, but their talents might be a bit in demand these days.
Yours, etc.
--CG
Showing posts with label earthfall. Show all posts
Showing posts with label earthfall. Show all posts
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Said, Replied, Stated
Finished reading: Earthfall, Episode 1 Part 1
If you wanted to know about my sleep study, I'll show you some pictures of the room. The first picture is that of my too-soft bed:
The next picture is a picture of an old CPAP machine. They never hooked me up, and I assume that the machine is just there for show. It undoubtedly reassures the testee that if she has to wear a CPAP, the apparatus won't take up much space. I hope it's only there for display because the safety check sticker reads "03/07" as the last checked date.
(* * *)
Now, on to "Earthfall, Epiosde 1 Part 1".
You might wonder why I broke out a "Klosterman Question" two days ago. Like most of Klosterman's questions, his answers can be applied to situations other than the ones given in the question.
The situation I was actually asking about is fan fiction. Take a work of fan fiction that has a poor appearance. Grammar is poor, there are no commas, verbs are used incorrectly, there are frequent spelling errors -- but the characterization and plot are superb. Then take the opposite sort of story, where there are no violations of grammar but the story itself is awful. Which should be corrected first, the grammar or the structure of the story?
Both persons answering said, in effect, "the grammar and presentation is more important." To borrow Scissors MacGillicutty's answer, if you have a crappy story that looks good, people might think that the story has some sort of unexplored depth...or that it's a parody of bad stories. Whereas even the best stories won't be read if they are poorly presented.
"Earthfall, Episode 1 Part 1" is unfortunately poorly presented. Rather than rip the story to pieces, I want to use the story as an illustrative exercise, a sort of post-beta reading to show what should have been done.
First...paragraphs. "A paragraph is a self-contained unit of a discourse in writing dealing with a particular point or idea, or the words of an author," according to Wikipedia. However, legendeld places each sentence on a separate line, like so:
The trip to the bridge only took a handful of seconds but the sounds of her boots hitting the deck plates seem to last forever.
Smoke poured out of damaged panels as a fire control team struggled to maintain the navigation system.
“75 seconds until PSR Captain.” One of the bridge crew stated with a shaky voice.
We know that very bad things are going on aboard the Henry Global. The ship has entered a gravity well and is taking damange. Daria's hurried trip to the bridge and the sounds and sights she sees all support the same idea or point -- namely, the imminent destruction of the ship.
The trip to the bridge only took a handful of seconds but the sounds of her boots hitting the deck plates seem to last forever. Smoke poured out of damaged panels as a fire control team struggled to maintain the navigation system. “Seventy-five seconds until PSR, captain," stated one of the bridge crew with a shaky voice.
When I write, I have a hard time with paragraphs. If you have several one-sentence sub-points you wish to make that all fall in the same category, should you write one paragraph or three paragraphs? Where should one paragraph begin and another one end. Should I have included the sentence about the ship entering the gravity well, or do the sentences related to the damage belong to their own separate paragraph?
It's hard to get a cut and dried answer. All you can do is experiment, and hope that someone will point out your most egregious sins.
I changed some of the grammar. A sentence should not begin with a number if you can avoid it. If it must begin with a number, the number has to be spelled out. Relatively small numbers like "seventy-five" are okay to spell out. If the number was, say, 3,250, I might have rewritten the above sentence so that it didn't start with the number.
Since the line about PSR is being spoken by a member of the bridge crew, and we are catching him in the act of speaking it, I ended that sentence with a comma. Furthermore, since the word "captain" is only capitalized when the title is applied to a person, I put the word in lower-case. In the next sentence, Captain Meels is speaking and since we are now refering to Meels with respect to his rank, it is okay to capitalize the word.
Some more dialogue between Captain Meels and LTC Daria Morgendorffer, provided by legendeld....
“Push forward. They won’t follow us down.” Captain Meels replied.
“Captain.” Daria called out as soon as she entered the bridge.
“Finished with your little report Commander.” The captain sneered.
“Why are you entering atmo?” She demanded.
“I have no intention of allowing these buggers to hold Earth for one more day.”Meels answered.
“Our orders are to engage, assess then withdraw.” Daria responded with force.
The rewrite:
“Push forward," said Captain Meels. "They won't follow us down."
Daria centered the bridge. "Captain," she said.
“Finished with your little report, Commander?"
“Why are you entering atmo?”
“I have no intention of allowing these buggers to hold Earth for one more day.”
“Our orders are to engage, assess then withdraw," said Daria, forcefully.
“I am exercising command prerogative.”
Daria approached Captain Meels. “The Mars attack group needs this information.”
“No they don’t. The Invid will be pushed off Earth in a matter of hours.”
One problem beginning writers have is an embarrassment in using the perfectly respectable part of speech "said". Rather than just use "said" some writers want to use labored synonyms for "said" with every sentence: "answered", "responded", "replied", "stated".
It is perfectly okay to use "said"! "But CINCGREEN," you might ask, "won't this look tacky? Every one of my sentences will end with 'said'"!
The solution is that if only two people are talking, you don't have to write "he said" or "she said". You can simply write what they say. Every now and then you might want to throw in a 'said' so that people don't lose track of who is speaking.
In long novels, you can find entire pages which are nothing more than quoted sentences or paragraphs. What makes things more confusing is that a simple declarative statement or response is a paragraph, and therefore deserves its own line. An example:
"...and Mrs. Calabash," said the district attorney, "isn't it true that you always hated Mr. Durante? Isn't it true that you stalked him for days? Isn't it true that you broke into his house to gain his bank accounts? Isn't it t---!"
"--I object!"
The courtroom went silent. District Attorney Hamilton turned to Perry Mason. "You can't object!"
"I just did!"
"No you didn't!"
"Yes, I did, and it's perfectly legal!"
"Your momma is legal!"
"That's what your momma told me last night when I was on her back!"
"Oh yeah? Well your momma -- !"
"--SILENCE!!" It was Judge Carver, who had had enough.
In short, "Earthfall" needs a lot of cleaning up. That's where a beta-reader comes in. In its present state, "Earthfall" is hard to read and even harder to follow. I hope legendeld can work the kinks out of it; he's already written several stories and I think as soon as he can get the grammar problems fixed, he'll get the increase in readership that prolific writers deserve.
If you wanted to know about my sleep study, I'll show you some pictures of the room. The first picture is that of my too-soft bed:
The next picture is a picture of an old CPAP machine. They never hooked me up, and I assume that the machine is just there for show. It undoubtedly reassures the testee that if she has to wear a CPAP, the apparatus won't take up much space. I hope it's only there for display because the safety check sticker reads "03/07" as the last checked date.
(* * *)
Now, on to "Earthfall, Epiosde 1 Part 1".
You might wonder why I broke out a "Klosterman Question" two days ago. Like most of Klosterman's questions, his answers can be applied to situations other than the ones given in the question.
The situation I was actually asking about is fan fiction. Take a work of fan fiction that has a poor appearance. Grammar is poor, there are no commas, verbs are used incorrectly, there are frequent spelling errors -- but the characterization and plot are superb. Then take the opposite sort of story, where there are no violations of grammar but the story itself is awful. Which should be corrected first, the grammar or the structure of the story?
Both persons answering said, in effect, "the grammar and presentation is more important." To borrow Scissors MacGillicutty's answer, if you have a crappy story that looks good, people might think that the story has some sort of unexplored depth...or that it's a parody of bad stories. Whereas even the best stories won't be read if they are poorly presented.
"Earthfall, Episode 1 Part 1" is unfortunately poorly presented. Rather than rip the story to pieces, I want to use the story as an illustrative exercise, a sort of post-beta reading to show what should have been done.
First...paragraphs. "A paragraph is a self-contained unit of a discourse in writing dealing with a particular point or idea, or the words of an author," according to Wikipedia. However, legendeld places each sentence on a separate line, like so:
The trip to the bridge only took a handful of seconds but the sounds of her boots hitting the deck plates seem to last forever.
Smoke poured out of damaged panels as a fire control team struggled to maintain the navigation system.
“75 seconds until PSR Captain.” One of the bridge crew stated with a shaky voice.
We know that very bad things are going on aboard the Henry Global. The ship has entered a gravity well and is taking damange. Daria's hurried trip to the bridge and the sounds and sights she sees all support the same idea or point -- namely, the imminent destruction of the ship.
The trip to the bridge only took a handful of seconds but the sounds of her boots hitting the deck plates seem to last forever. Smoke poured out of damaged panels as a fire control team struggled to maintain the navigation system. “Seventy-five seconds until PSR, captain," stated one of the bridge crew with a shaky voice.
When I write, I have a hard time with paragraphs. If you have several one-sentence sub-points you wish to make that all fall in the same category, should you write one paragraph or three paragraphs? Where should one paragraph begin and another one end. Should I have included the sentence about the ship entering the gravity well, or do the sentences related to the damage belong to their own separate paragraph?
It's hard to get a cut and dried answer. All you can do is experiment, and hope that someone will point out your most egregious sins.
I changed some of the grammar. A sentence should not begin with a number if you can avoid it. If it must begin with a number, the number has to be spelled out. Relatively small numbers like "seventy-five" are okay to spell out. If the number was, say, 3,250, I might have rewritten the above sentence so that it didn't start with the number.
Since the line about PSR is being spoken by a member of the bridge crew, and we are catching him in the act of speaking it, I ended that sentence with a comma. Furthermore, since the word "captain" is only capitalized when the title is applied to a person, I put the word in lower-case. In the next sentence, Captain Meels is speaking and since we are now refering to Meels with respect to his rank, it is okay to capitalize the word.
Some more dialogue between Captain Meels and LTC Daria Morgendorffer, provided by legendeld....
“Push forward. They won’t follow us down.” Captain Meels replied.
“Captain.” Daria called out as soon as she entered the bridge.
“Finished with your little report Commander.” The captain sneered.
“Why are you entering atmo?” She demanded.
“I have no intention of allowing these buggers to hold Earth for one more day.”Meels answered.
“Our orders are to engage, assess then withdraw.” Daria responded with force.
The rewrite:
“Push forward," said Captain Meels. "They won't follow us down."
Daria centered the bridge. "Captain," she said.
“Finished with your little report, Commander?"
“Why are you entering atmo?”
“I have no intention of allowing these buggers to hold Earth for one more day.”
“Our orders are to engage, assess then withdraw," said Daria, forcefully.
“I am exercising command prerogative.”
Daria approached Captain Meels. “The Mars attack group needs this information.”
“No they don’t. The Invid will be pushed off Earth in a matter of hours.”
One problem beginning writers have is an embarrassment in using the perfectly respectable part of speech "said". Rather than just use "said" some writers want to use labored synonyms for "said" with every sentence: "answered", "responded", "replied", "stated".
It is perfectly okay to use "said"! "But CINCGREEN," you might ask, "won't this look tacky? Every one of my sentences will end with 'said'"!
The solution is that if only two people are talking, you don't have to write "he said" or "she said". You can simply write what they say. Every now and then you might want to throw in a 'said' so that people don't lose track of who is speaking.
In long novels, you can find entire pages which are nothing more than quoted sentences or paragraphs. What makes things more confusing is that a simple declarative statement or response is a paragraph, and therefore deserves its own line. An example:
"...and Mrs. Calabash," said the district attorney, "isn't it true that you always hated Mr. Durante? Isn't it true that you stalked him for days? Isn't it true that you broke into his house to gain his bank accounts? Isn't it t---!"
"--I object!"
The courtroom went silent. District Attorney Hamilton turned to Perry Mason. "You can't object!"
"I just did!"
"No you didn't!"
"Yes, I did, and it's perfectly legal!"
"Your momma is legal!"
"That's what your momma told me last night when I was on her back!"
"Oh yeah? Well your momma -- !"
"--SILENCE!!" It was Judge Carver, who had had enough.
In short, "Earthfall" needs a lot of cleaning up. That's where a beta-reader comes in. In its present state, "Earthfall" is hard to read and even harder to follow. I hope legendeld can work the kinks out of it; he's already written several stories and I think as soon as he can get the grammar problems fixed, he'll get the increase in readership that prolific writers deserve.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
