Electile Dysfunction

Today is Election Day in the United States, or as some people think of it "Freedom From Political Commercials Day". There's not so much a sense of satisfaction in our household as there is of relief that every ten minutes we won't be blasted by some nasty political commercial that insults the intelligence.

I've been debating about whether or not I wanted to vote at all, and I finally decided that I would vote - coming to the conclusion that if I wait for the system to deliver candidates that I wanted to vote for then I'd wait forever. Even if I crafted a system to my personal liking, I suspect that I'd still be dissatisfied with the candidates that system produced. So, with virtually zero enthusiasm, I went down to my local polling station to punch the Diebold buttons. So where my votes honestly tabulated? Inshallah, as they say in the Middle East. (Or, as they say in American, "it is what it is.")

This being a mid-term election, the turnout was pretty dismal. Georgia is essentially a one-party state. Which means that the only Republicans voting are voting out of civic duty and the Democrats probably aren't voting at all. If you're a Democrat, you're essentially disenfranchised here - your vote doesn't count. This isn't liberal whining; if you're a Republican living in New York it's the same difference. To add insult to injury, not only does your vote not count but in national elections since all electoral votes are based upon state population it means that living in Georgia just grants a greater chance of extra electoral votes to be distributed to Republicans.

I got in and out of voting in about 20 minutes. Ten of those minutes were spent transporting myself. Parking was ample. Lines were non-existent. I wasn't the only one there, but there were only about four or five people voting that morning. The poll-worked looked like exactly the same poll workers that I saw the last time. Most likely, they are wrapped in plastic with the voting machines and plugged back in every four years or so.

So who did I vote for in this powerful, life-changing etc. etc. midterm election?

Governor: The choice was between Roy Barnes (Democrat) and Nathan Deal (Republican). In terms of policy, each was indistinguishable from the other, both racing to see who could be the most God-loving, gay-bashing, gun-shooting so-and-so ever to be governor of Georgia since Lester Maddox wielded an ax-handle. However, Roy Barnes in one of his commercials said something quite astonishing - namely, that "people are laughing at us" for our electoral stupidity, which they are. Anyone who could say something like that gets my vote. It might have lost him some votes but it got mine.

Senator: Johnny Isakson (Republican) vs. Designated-Victim-No-One-Has-Ever-Heard-Of (Democrat). I voted for the latter guy. Isakson's a creep. If Satan were running against Isakson, I might not vote for Satan but I'd at least listen to his platform.

Representative: Tom Price (Republican) vs - quite literally - nobody. Georgia has some of the most restrictive ballot access laws in the United States. It's a strict two-party duopoly. According to the link:

The law says only qualified write-in candidates can have their votes counted, and candidates who have run for the office in the primary and lost are not eligible to be a qualified write-in candidates.

To be a qualified write-in candidate only requires sending a notice to the Secretary of State's Office and running a legal ad in a newspaper. Only two write-in candidates bothered to meet the criteria. The two qualified write-in candidates for governor are David C. Byrne of Kennesaw and Neal Horsley of Carrollton. Their names will not be on the ballot, but they are the only two names you can write in and have their votes counted.

Every position on the ballot has a write-in option - including Price's - but as you can guess, you can not only write in a very limited selection of those names, but you don't even know who those names are! How the fuck am I supposed to know who took out an ad in the paper to qualify for the write-in ballot for Congressman? So I refused to rubber-stamp Price's selection and left that part of the ballot empty.

Other statewide offices: Knew virtually nothing about the candidates, only party affiliation. I'm not voting a straight party ticket. I expect to have at the very least a visceral reaction to names. Skipped all of the parts of the ballot selecting a Lieutenant Governor, Attorney General, State Agricultural Commissioner, etc. etc.

Local judgeships: Nothing more than a random collection of names. Pass.

Local voter initiatives: Five constitutional amendments. We amend our constitution over every ridiculous little thing. If any of the amendments looked like a Suspension of State Law in Favor of Big Business, it went down to defeat. (The way the amendments are written are far from neutral, which occasionally provides a clue as for whom or what the law is written for.) The only thing I voted for was the $10 fee for certain license plates to fund trauma centers in Georgia.

"My God! An increase in the vehicle tag fee! SOCIALISM! EEEEEEE!!!"

Local annexation: We live in an unincorporated part of our county. Local annexation would attach us to a community. Could be good, could be bad, who knows? I asked Ruth and she said, "Vote yes", so I made an informed decision and voted "yes".

The end.

It was about as fun as having your teeth scraped. There, I did it, leave me alone and stop preaching at me you liberal/conservative douchebags. Next time anyone talks to me about the civil duty of voting, etc. etc. I'm going to punch them in the mouth.