The Autobiography of Jane Lane, Parte the Seconde

My friend Daria said I should write more. I don't like writing because I don't feel comfortable having her apply her super-sarcasm to my shitty writing. Having Daria around is cool because she doesn't know enough about art to judge what I do. I've been carrying her all year in Ms. Defoe's class. Daria can draw a good sketch now and then, but she should stick to painting ceramic kitty-cats.

Ms. D wanted us to make moldings of the male torso, which we would bake in the kiln. I think Daria's looked like a weightlifter with breast implants. We put it in the kiln and its little pecs blew up. No joke. Ms. D gave Daria a B because she's really nice even though Daria's was the only one that blew up. I didn't say anything or Daria would be in a pissy mood all day.

I thought I already told you everything about my life, you bastards. You're going to crucify me like Paris, just because I showed my cha-cha while climbing out of the car. Yeah, I was three and I forgot to wear underwear, but I know the Press has long memories. You guys never let up, do you.

What else is there to tell you? Oh yea, I got into trouble at school today. It seems that my locker set off some alarms during one of Ms. Li's sweeps for radiation. I've been keeping some interesting industrial metal artifacts in there, and one of them was radioactive. So I got sent to the local hospital, had things X scanned and cat rayed and a $2000 whatchamajiggy later I was pronounced healthy of body and sent home. Ms. Li was at the hospital grumbling all the while, asking the doctor just to use a stethoscope. I think she stole some tongue depressors on the way out.

I came back home tumor free, I think. But the scanner didn't find the lead based paint I ate as a child. I tried to expose myself to lead paint when I was nine because I thought I would paint like Goya, but all I got was a stomachache and blue teeth. Have you ever seen Goya's self-portrait? It looks just like what I think Trent will look like, sort of what Ludwig van looked like.

There. That's part two of my biography. I swear I'm just going to make stuff up next time.