All One or the Other

Finished reading: Last Summer #6 - "It Was Your Idea"

I'm going to be taking a break from blogging for about a week so that my wife and I can travel a bit. Undoubtedly, you might have had your suspicions that the blog might be abandoned, to be left a shell of itself like Fortress CINCGREEN.

Part of that feeling is that I'm "written out". Right now, I have three writing projects going on. Two involve baseball message boards for which I write. The other involves this blog, and it seems I try to juggle these many balls but one always comes close to hitting the floor.

Furthermore, there's so much I want to do. My wife introduced me to Helium...I suspect that she'd like me to earn a little money from all this time spent in front of the keyboard. In addition, there are multi-player baseball leagues that sound interesting.

Oh Daria Fandom! You are such a fickle mistress and I am such a fickle suitor! Should we get married, or should I start seeing other people?

(* * *)

Anyway, back to "The Last Summer Series" and "It Was Your Idea", the most recent installment.

When we return to Daria and Jane, they are planning their summer "road trip" to the beach. Jane reminds Daria that one of the conditions in going is that Daria has to wear a bathing suit. The Morgendorffers say goodbye, Trent says goodbye, and Daria and Jane are on the road.

While driving, Jane asks Daria if she should take a job as an assistant to Ms. Defoe at Lawndale High, just for the fall semester. Jane's parents can help pay for college, but they didn't plan for it so money is tight all around. Daria concurs, and has a secret of her own to share wtih Jane -- she doesn't plan on returning to Lawndale during the summer, planning to spend every summer in Boston and working on a double major. Jane wonders if Daria is trying to cut her parents off, but Daria states that her parents are good people but she needs distance.

The two arrive on the beach and eat at a local pizza shop. Jane asks what Daria will do if they meet any "interesting" guys and Daria promises to remain civil "if they show signs of higher brain function".

Daria and Jane commit to wearing swimsuits (Daria says she feels half-naked and Jane says that she feels three-quarters-naked), and prepare to hit the beachfront. As Daria and Jane bring their beach belonging, two college-age students watch Daria and Jane unloading their car. The two begin to walk over and Jane thinks the guys should be encouraged -- and not frightened off by Daria. Daria promises to hold her tongue.

The two introduce themselves as Will and Greg. Greg pairs up with Jane and Will keeps Daria company. Daria at least admits that Will is interesting to talk to. As Daria and Jane go for a swim, Will and Greg decide to surprise them by setting up lunch for the four of them before they get back.

The four of them visit a cheap beach shop and Daria and will begin swapping one-liners regarding the kitchy items. Greg offers on behalf of both Will and himself to take everyone out to dinner.

While dressing for an informal dinner, Daria wonders if she and Jane know what they're doing. Jane figures that as none of the guys has hinted at playing grab-ass, they should be all right. Daria is forced to admit that she thinks Will is cute.

The four go off to eat seafood and exchange pleasant chat. At the end of the night, Jane gives Greg a light kiss, which Greg returns. Daria figures that Will will expect the same, but at the same time, concedes that he's been a nice guy. She gives Will a kiss, which actually surprises Will.

As Daria and Jane depart, we learn that Greg and Will are in the same situation that Jane and Daria are. Greg has been trying to convince Will to let himself have a good time, and Will admits that he's pleased with the results.

At the end of the night, Daria comes to the same conclusions. She learns that "not everyone's a bastard or a lecherous pervert". Furthermore, the night convinces Daria to have no further regrets about breaking up with Tom. She knows that Tom wasn't the right guy, and that there are a lot of fish in the sea (so to speak).

The two return home, and Daria tells her family about the trip and about Greg and Will as well. Daria admits to Quinn that the guys bought them dinner, and teases Quinn about helping her pick up guys. Quinn sasses back that Daria hasn't seen a pro do it, and Helen wonders that Daria and Quinn seem to be getting along a lot better...and wonders how powerful Daria and Quinn could be if they cooperated.

(* * *)

All and all, this was an interesting story. The main theme is an important one, namely that all men in the Daria universe aren't crazy (DeMartino, Jake), wimps (O'Neill), unreliable (Trent), lechers (Upchuck), spoken for (Mack), stupid (Kevin) or lying, cheating bastards (Tom). Mr. Lobinske decides to do this by comparing and contrasting Greg and Will with Jane and Daria. Will and Daria have a lot of similiarities -- down to even wearing glasses -- but Lobinske doesn't shove the similarities in our face. A younger (and less talented) author would have made Will a carbon copy of Daria ("Daria with a penis") and Greg would have probably been an art major or something. Luckily, Mr. Lobinske spared us that.

There are a couple of flaws in the story, but not major ones. There's a section where the writer devotes a paragraph to both Daria and Jane describing how each has changed during the run of the series. The problem is that the paragraphs are so close to each other -- and so alike in format -- that the paragraphs seem more exposition than explanation. This is a part of the story where "show, not tell" would have been a good idea.

The other flaw is a part of the story where it is implied -- I think -- that Daria might still like Trent. The problem is that the dialogue is so awkward that I don't know what the writer was intending. I think Mr. Lobinske tried to hint at a Daria/Trent attraction, but his attempt to foreshadow turned to pure obfuscation. I could be completely wrong about that, and after reading that paragraph, I wouldn't be surprised if I was.

There is one section of the story worth a more detailed discussion because it brings up an interesting point. Daria mentions that she plans on not returning to Lawndale during the summers, and Jane zeroes in to ask whether Daria is trying to keep her family at arm's length, to sort of cut them out of her life.

During the run of the show, Daria's personality vis-a-vis her family has been one of two sides of a coin. Either Daria is proudly obstinate, enjoying the chaos her attitude brings, or wounded and retreating in self-pity. The final regular episode of the series, "Boxing Daria", took this to its logical conclusion with Daria literally retreating to the psychological comfort of a large cardboard box. At the end of the episode, however, Daria is able to abandon the cardboard box, to actually hug Jane impulsively, and to admit to her parents that at times, she's been a pill:

Daria - It's not the fight. It's the sudden realization that all these years, when I thought they were torturing me, in reality I was the one torturing them.

Jane - First of all, I don't think it's either-or. From where I'm sitting, you and your folks have done a great job of torturing each other. And second of all, you mean to tell me you don't know when you're busting them?

Daria - Yes, I know when I'm busting them. What I didn't realize is what a pain I've been when I thought I was just being me.

Jane -- and Daria -- are right. The two sides have been tormenting each other over the years, with Helen trying to drag Daria into "proper" behavior and Daria trying to drag the family into chaos. At the end of the episode, both side seemed to come to grips with their dysfunctions and have decided to stop dragging, so to speak. I don't know if I'll ever read "Falling Into College" -- as someone said about something else, "the reason I don't read anyone else's work is that it gets in the way of the work I want to write" -- but I hope that Daria can be herself and still be aware of how she affects other people. Trust me, Daria fans, it doesn't have to be all one or all the other.

Tattoo Yoo

Finished Reading: Last Summer #5 -- "Comforting a Confused Soul"

If there's anything I don't like, it's the feeling of being tied down to a routine. Last week, that same-old, same-old feeling began to settle in and I took a nice week's vacation from blogging.

This is also why I try to avoid doing fan fiction reviews by request, or even beta-reading. What was formerly fun becomes a chore, some sort of social obligation and just one more item on my list of many things to do. Now that I'm a bit more refreshed, hopefully I'll be reading some more fan fiction.

(* * *)

Aside: two nights ago, I had my second part of the sleep study. This time, they hooked me up to the CPAP machine ("continuous positive airway pressure"). The idea being that with the right amount of air pressure, my airways could be held open and my brain could finally get some oxygen.

I was hooked up to a nasal CPAP. This meant that I would have to keep my mouth closed during the night. I've probably been breathing through my mouth at night for thirty years; it was such an adjustment that they had to give me a sleeping pill to get me to sleep.

Five hours later, the attendant came to wake me up. I knew I had dreamed, but didn't remember much about sleeping. It wasn't so much sleeping as though someone had stolen six hours off the clock. That morning, I was almost hyperalert with the oxygen infusion I had had the previous night. My conclusion? If this CPAP thing works out all right, I'm going to have to go off the caffeine.

(* * *)

And now, back to fan fiction.

We're on part five of seven from the Last Summer series, "Comforting a Confused Soul." We arrive with Jane planning to pain a picture of the entire Morgendorffer clan in formal attire. Her original plan was to only paint Daria in formal attire, but the fact that Helen and Jake remembered Jane's first major sale led Jane to change her plans and commemorate the whole family.

Trent and Jane talk about the fact that Jane has purchased real food. It's certainly something that Trent isn't used to. Trent notices the reference photos for Jane's painting project and Jane states that aside from Trent, the Morgendorffers are the closest thing Jane has to a family.

Daria and Jane meet at the Good Times Chinese Restaurant. Daria presents Jane with a copy of her new story, "Depth Takes a Holiday". Jane suggests that Daria and Jane take a road trip to commemorate the final summer before college.

When Jane returns home, she finds her mother Amanda in the kitchen. Amanda is puzzled about the food in the kitchen. Jane has some residual bitterness about Amanda's absences and asks if Amanda even remembers how old she is. Amanda knows how old Jane is...and asks if Jane should be graduating soon. This sends Jane into a rage -- it's been six weeks since Jane graduated -- and Jane storms out of the house.

Jane goes on a jog to clear her mind. After fending off Upchuck, she bumps into Axl, the local tattoo and piercings man. Axl knows quite a bit about the Lanes, given Trent's musings to Axl at the tattoo parlor. Axl manages to point out to Jane that Jane and Trent are more adult than Amanda and Vincent are and that Amanda must care if she managed to attend the ceremony of Daria's faux "honor society".

Jane returns home to find Amanda working at the kiln. She shares with her mother the fact that she was hurt that her parents never showed up during the graduation at Lawndale. Amanda answers that she didn't think Jane would attend her own graduation, as none of her brothers or sisters attended theirs. Jane answers that it would have been nice if Amanda and Vincent had at least checked, and gives Amanda credit for showing up at the Honor Society. (Vincent, apparently, isn't comfortable at social occasions.)

With college imminent, Jane asks Amanda if the Lanes can help her out financially. As it turns out, Jane had forgetten to tell Amanda that she was now interest in attending BFAC. Jane is slightly embarrassed, but Amanda tells her daughter that the Lanes will indeed be able to provide some financial help for Jane while she is in college.

Jane gathers the Morgendorffers together to reveal the finished painting. She tells them that the Morgendorffers have provided closeness that was missing from her own family, and presents the painting as a "thank you". Daria gives Jane a simple "thank you" with a hug, and Jane knows that her gift was the right thing to do.

(* * *)

While reading "Comforting a Confused Soul," I was very wary of Mr. Lobinske's reputation for writing sad but upbeat stories. The problem is that once you get a reputation as a certain writer, it's hard to shake it. If this were a story by The Angst Guy, I would probably be waiting for Trent's car crash or Amanda dying in a freak kiln accident.

So my sugar sensitivity was set on high during my reading. However, there are no sugary moments to "Comforting a Confused Soul" (except at the end, and I'll get to that). Jane's interaction with Amanda is pretty much true to canon. Amanda is sort of off on her own tangent, and Jane holds her resentment in until she has a rare outburst. The maddest I've ever seen Jane was after she visited Tom in "Dye! Dye! My Darling!" and Jane's outburst isn't even at this level.

It was a smart touch that Jane finds good advice from Axl, of all people. Axl, being familiar with Trent, would probably know as much about the Lanes as anyone. I'm sure Trent has unloaded on Axl through many a tattoo, although I suspect Trent was probably talking about his relationship with Monique more than talking about his little sister. It also fits into the meme that independent shopkeepers like Axl are probably a lot smarter about things than they let on. (Trent would have never gotten that kind of attention at Tattoo-Mart.)

And now, on to the ending...the ending was probably my biggest problem with the story. No, there's nothing particularly out of character about how the scene "plays" -- Daria's simple "thank you" and hug are spot-on canon, as Daria has never been comfortable with verbal expressions of her emotions.

Rather, my problem is with the concept of the Morgendorffers being a surrogate family for Jane. Granted, Jane has a good relationship with the Morgendorffers. She's probably shared so much with Daria that Daria seems like a sister and Jane probably knows more about the Morgendorffers than any other family in Lawndale, thanks to Daria's tale-telling. We also have evidence that the Morgendorffers are at least sympathetic to Jane -- they let Jane stay with them during the events of "Lane Miserables" and certainly cared about Jane's well being during "Daria!" when both Daria and Jane were threatened by a hurricane. But I don't think that the Morgendorffers have really gone out of their way to bring Jane into their family circle. I don't think that it's supported in canon. No, I'm not a prescriptivist, I just don't even see an interpretation where you could conclude that Jane's relationship with the "non-Daria" Morgendorffers is as close as she thinks it is.

Maybe Jane is just projecting, due to the sorry state of her own family. I don't know. If Jane was really that close to the Morgendorffers, then wouldn't she seek advice from Helen instead of from the guy who runs the piercing parlor?

Anyway, that's just me. Two more "Last Summer" stories to review, and then on to something else.

Assigned reading: Five Geek Social Fallacies. Determine how these fallacies relate to the state of relationshps in Daria fandom.

Honor Society

Finished reading -- Last Summer #4 -- "Out of the Frying Pan"



No new news here, except that it's Valentine's Day! My wife got me a card that reminded me of Love and Rocket, one of our favorite Futurama episodes. It's a card with a picture of candy hearts on the front. Ruth wrote the quotes, "These candies are chalky and unpleasant!" and "You leave me breathless!", two of my favorite quotes.

I got her a much more standard card, with a plastic bowl (hand decorated) filled with Sugar Babies and Junior Mints. The above just goes to show you -- you don't need to buy diamonds for someone to show your love and appreciation.

(* * *)

The Fashion Club are doing a post-mortem on Daria's appearance in a ballgown. Daria interrupts to let Quinn know that she'll be at Jane's for dinner.

At the Pizza Prince, Daria shares news with Jane that she got a second rejection, meaning that she can now call herself a writer. The two meet a dejected Mack, who states that he had planned to have lunch with Jodie, but Jodie's father continues to overload Jodie with work. Daria and Jane decide to liberate Jodie from her drudgery.

When Daria returns, she finds that her latest Melody Powers story will be published in Literature in Action. The family decides to celebrate Daria's success. Daria, however, still has her mind on helping Mack.

Mack shows up the next day and Daria presents her plan. Daria will have a dinner party at the Morgendorffer's to celebrate Daria's success. Jodie will be invited and Mack and Jodie can spend time together there.

Unfortunately, the plan fails. Mr. Landon has Jodie in charge of catering a business dinner, and Jodie can't get out of the obligation. Daria has Helen call Mr. Landon, who hears that Daria has become a speechwriter (apparently, she wrote the speech for Helen to honor Carol Murphey). Mr. Landon concludes that it would be good for Jodie to "network" with a speechwriter and lets her attend the party.

After the dinner, a new plan is formulated. An honor society for past LHS graduates will be created. Jodie, Daria, Jane and Mack all have accomplishments that would qualify them to be inaugural members. The catch is that unbeknownst to all, no real work will be planned at any of the 'meetings' -- the society is just an excuse to give Jodie free time.

With the help of Carol Murphy, and recommendations from the Lawndale Faculty, the Lawndale High School Student Leaders Honor Society is formed.

The only drawback is that the society requires a formal inauguration in everyone's Sunday best to make it look convincing. Daria is given the presidency as the price to Murphey for setting the whole thing up. The inaugural members make the most of their time...by watching "Sick Sad World".

(* * *)

I enjoyed reading "Out of the Frying Pan". It wasn't as eyeopening as "Shifts in Mood", but it was a rather pleasant piece.

One of the problems of reading any work of fiction is 'hitches' -- can you suspend your disbelief enough and be drawn into the author's universe? Daria getting published by Literature in Action might be a hitch to some readers, but the low-key ceremony indicates that this is not the same as being published in "Esquire". It's much more realistic for Daria to have her work published in minor journals first.

Perhaps the only hitch of the story is why Daria would go so far out of her way for Jodie, an acquaintance at best, but even that hitch is negligable -- who wouldn't have sympathy for someone in Jodie's situation? Daria managed a realistic solution to a problem.

(This leads me to conclude that the reason Andrew Landon keeps Jodie so busy is that he doesn't want her to have free time. Why? Because he hates Mack Mackenzie, and doesn't want Jodie to have any spare time to hook up with him. It's a good excuse for him to keep her away from him. Now, all he has to do is solve the problem of Jodie resenting him for the rest of his life, and everything will work out perfectly.)

Cynicism and Sarcasm

Finished reading: "Last Summer #3 -- Succeeding In Your World"

On this side of the internet, nothing new but work, followed by more work. I worked about 12 hours on Wednesday and 16 hours on Thursday. Then, I spent the weekend recovering. Looking very much forward to a visit to Toronto soon.

(* * *)

And now, on to LS3....

Interesting items arrive in the mail for the Morgendorffers. Daria gets a mail from Aunt Amy, who has sent her a "dorm survival kit" with several useful items for her first semester at Raft. Meanwhile, Helen gets a registered letter from the State Bar Association, leading Helen to conclude that it can't be good news.

After Helen reads the letter, Daria is pulled from a visit at Jane's for an important dinner table announcement: the State Bar Association will be presenting a Lifetime Achievement Award to Carol Murphey, and Helen has been asked to present the award. Furthermore, Helen wants the family to be there. While Quinn protests, Daria knows that Murphey is a long-time woman's rights activist and wants to meet her. Helen tells Daria that she'll have to be in a formal gown for the occasion.

Quinn wants to help Daria with the choice of the gown, but Daria declines. Quinn has worked hard to bring her grades up, showing that she has at least the potential to succeed in Daria's world. Most of Quinn's success has been unaided, and now Daria feels that she needs to made an independent venture into the world of fashion -- or at least, enough of one to be passable. Quinn at least gives Daria some starting advice: stick with a classic look.

Jane is bribed with some caffeine to go with Daria gown-shopping. Daria remembers the awful time she had getting a bridesmaid's dress fitted ("I Don't"), but the seamstress states that the other seamstress was obviously a hack.

Daria manages to "clean up" well, according to Quinn. Jake is brought to tears at Daria's new apparance and Helen and Quinn are impressed.

At the presentation, Daria finds herself surrounded by college age and older men. Daria manages to verbally fend them off, winning admiration from Carol Murphey, who happens to be watching.

(* * *)

I didn't care as much for this story as the one before it. It was more aggravating than illuminating.

Daria's attempts to succeed in "Quinn's world" were fairy down-to-earth -- Daria didn't become a model instantly like in a Nemo Blank story -- but having Jake crying over his supposedly-now-beautiful little girl made me conclude that the author was fishing for an "awwww" moment. It's a bit cloying.

More annoying was the interplay between Carol Murphey and Daria. Murphey's first line is "Cynicism and Sarcasm, not just a philosophy, a way of life." Undoubtedly, this line is supposed to echo Aunt Amy's line in "I Don't" that sarcasm is "a great way to deal". However, Amy was speaking about sarcasm in the context of her life growing up with Helen and Rita. Sarcasm, in Amy's case, was a great way to deal with her sisters who never listened to her anyway.

As for Murphey's leaden line, I don't think I've heard of anyone speak of 'cynicism' or 'sarcasm' as capital-letter philosophies, except when talking about the ancient Greeks. As for Sarcasm (capital-S), I went to Wikipedia and found Dostoyevsky's line of sarcasm being "the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded." I think a real philosophical discussion regarding sarcasm and its uses might have helped the reader give more credit to Murphey.

I believe Dr. Lobinske was trying to figure out a way to make Murphey cool, and tried way too hard to cast her as Aunt Amy. Oddly enough, it had the effect of dumbing down Murphey's intelligence instead of giving me an appreciation for her work as a lawyer and activist.

There is a small ending scene which falls flat. I won't give it a way, but it probably would have made more sense for the protagonist to ask if Helen had a third daughter (say, Veronica)?

(* * *)

Anyway, onward and upward to "Out of the Frying Pan". The teaser -- "To what extremes will Daria, Jane and Mack go to give Jodie a break from her summer activities?" -- sounds promising.

Jeff Gregory

Jeff Gregory

At least I can say that my memories of Jeff Gregory, known to Daria fandom as ahmygoddess, will be happy ones. The very first time I decided to hold a Dariacon, we were lucky enough to have him, kaimelarfeylove, and E. A. Smith all in attendance. (Later, Scissors MacGillicutty would also get to enjoy Jeff's company.)

Jeff was a great storyteller. He told us stories of the old days when he was a wild spirit, and I'd like to imagine him as that same wild spirit. I've seen him with flowing locks of hair and I've seen him short-shorn. I've seen him when he didn't mind having a drink, and I've seen him when he was trying to set such things aside. I've seen him funny, and I've seen him morose.

I'm not claiming that I was his Greatest Friend on Earth, certainly. There's only so much you can find out about someone in just two or three visits. I learned that he had had stomach surgery, and that he was a much larger man at one time.

And of course, he liked Daria and liked Daria fans. He was prone to the disappointments with fans and with the fandom as we all are. It's a pity that he had a seizure the last time we were all together, because it cut short our combined time. Even so, Jeff did his best to remain optimistic, despite the struggles he had dealing with his many problems.

One of my beliefs -- a belief I've had since childhood -- is that when we die, we're going to remeet everyone in a huge banquet hall. We'll meet everyone who was important in our life, good or evil, for better or for worse as our entrance into the afterlife receives its proper greeting. Yes, I'm a nominal atheist but I'm allowed to have my own beliefs, and my personal belief is that one day I'll see Jeff again. He'll be enjoying himself riotously and he'll say, "What took you so long, CINCGREEN? Next time...don't take yourself so seriously!"

Rest in peace, Jeff. You're watching Daria episodes with angels, now.

Wolf's Bane

This is what you get when you have multiple blogs. Sometimes you post on the wrong blog. I accidentally posted this on the old Daria Fandom Blog, then when it failed to populate on Fortress CINCGREEN, I simply assumed it had been lost in the ether, for the better.

However, since legendeld went to the trouble of actually finding it on the old DFB site, I have since removed the post from the old site and reposted it here, where it should have been.

--CG

(* * *)



Dear legendeld,

I hope that your purpose in writing "Earthfall" was, as it is said, soli Deo Gloria -- "for the glory of God", in this case, the God of writing. There is nothing wrong at all with seeking positive recognition in the act of writing; God knows we all get too little of it in day to day life.

If you didn't get the positive recognition you sought, I apologize for that. As for myself, I don't publicize this blog. There are people who know it exists but I don't go out of my way to draw attention to it. The Angst Guy has it linked; I've never asked him to unlink it but I've never reciprocated the link or even made note of it. Rest assured, the number of readers of this blog is a mere handful, and given your nominations for The Booties and the other positive accolades you have received in 2007, I hope you will not begrudge me my small work here. Indeed, it seems that you are held in some esteem in Daria fandom and hopefully my comments will not impede your future work.

I do take a slight objection to your claim that I have "republished the work". There was some editing, but no creation of characters, no changing of words or situations. Only a very small part of Chapter 1 Part 1 of EarthFall -- less than a tenth part -- was altered, and other parts have been written since then. You have left the impression that somehow, I've claimed credit for this work and tried to make it my own. Let me assure you that this is not the truth.

On the whole, I believe it would be fair to say that your contributions to the fandom are valued, in that it takes courage to throw one's work out there to what could be a pack of ravenous hungry wolves. I've only taken a small bite at it, and I've suggested remedies to bind the wounds and serve as future wolfs bane. Hopefully, my taking liberties with the text balances out against your claim that I have somehow claimed this work as my own.

My somewhat bold opinion is that it would be a mistake to ignore the criticism posted here, for if I've noticed these problems with the work, then other writers have certainly noticed them. My entire review concerned the format of the tale and made no moral judgment regarding the story told. Besides, I don't claim that I have supernatural power to separate the sheep from the goats or to claim that "this is a good/bad tale, and shall be forever and ever, Amen". On the contrary, I merely point out what I think is obvious.

I don't have any immediate plans to review future chapters of "EarthFall". However, I reserve the right to review other works of yours in the future. After all, you never e-mailed me personally to tell me that you were writing "EarthFall" and I therefore find it unfair for you to make the demand that I inform you personally when your work is reviewed.

I'll conclude by writing about Mark Twain, one of my favorite writers. He wrote a story called "The Man Who Corrupted Hadleyburg". The town of Hadleyburg had as its motto, "Lead Us Not Into Temptation". Circumstances, however, forced Hadleyburg into temptation for which they were not prepared. As a result, the town changed its motto to "Lead Us Into Temptation", and Twain ends with “It is an honest town once more, and the man will have to rise early that catches it napping again.”

Therefore, I say, seek out harsh criticism, the harsher the better. If you're interested in improving as a writer -- and it's a sad thing when someone isn't interested in self-improvement if relatively painless -- you should find a beta-reader who will tell you what is wrong with a story. smk, Dennis, and Scissors MacGillicutty are excellent betareaders, but their talents might be a bit in demand these days.

Yours, etc.

--CG

Radio Friendly Mood Shifter

Finished reading: Last Summer #2 -- "Shifts in Mood"

Well, we now have the news from the MD. The diagnosis is "moderate sleep apnea", diagnosed by waking up in mid-sleep an average of, oh, about 25 times an hour.

So what are the options?

1. CPAP, a continuous positive airway pressure machine. Almost one hundred percent effective if used correctly.
2. Orthodontic appliance. Less than fifty percent effective. costs about $1000 to make.
3. Throat surgery. Also less than fifty percent effective.

Obviously, he recommends the CPAP. Which means (unfortunately) that I get to have another sleep study on the 20th, this time with the CPAP machine. I'll meet with the MD on March 11th for the results of the second study.

(* * *)

Now, back to the fun.

"Last Summer #2" picks up from "Last Summer #1". Daria is still trying to figure out what went wrong with her relationship with Young Thomas. She goes back to her diaries in a hope of reconstructing the relationship.

However, she bumps into a line from Trent (after the Morgendorffer kitchen got scalded in "Fire! Fire!") that as a musician, Trent was "very sensitive to shifts in mood". She remembers that Trent steered Daria to Jane to talk to even when Jane didn't want to talk after Tommy Sherman's death ("The Misery Chick").

This poses a question. If Trent was so perceptive regarding Daria's feelings, and if he was one of the first to note that she and Tom had feelings for each other, then how could he have missed Daria's crush on her? Maybe he didn't, and Daria decides to call Trent over to find out more....

(* * *)

"Last Summer #2" is rather different from "Last Summer #1". LS1 could be seen as a setup-punchline type of story -- Daria is faced with an ugly problem and manages to spin the situation around so it suits her -- but LS2 turns out to be an examination of Daria and Trent's entire relationship with each other, with the series over and both of them willing to talk face to face.

I know that Dr. Lobinske (*) is criticised for happy endings. Well, I suppose you need a happy ending every now and then. "Last Summer #2" is one of those compelling reads that you can't take your eyes off of. It might be a bit hard to imagine two people having a conversation like this, but not Daria and Trent. Daria, who believes in honesty and Trent, who is the kind of person completely open to self-examination, almost guileless. You almost wish you were at the table listening in to them.

The only criticism I might have is the appearance of Helen, who didn't have much of a part in the tale and really wasn't needed at the end. However, this is one of those times where one doesn't have much pointed commentary, except to say "good job" and look forward to reading the next segment.

----

(*) -- Damn you, Angst Guy. Now you've got me self-conscious.

Time Management

Finished reading: Last Summer Series #1, "Saving One Last Summer"

This is going to be a very short post. Nothing is going on at work, and I ended up reading a very short story. Tomorrow, I learn the final, horrible, unspeakable truth about my sleep apnea study. I'll tell you about it later.

(* * *)

With the PPMB in its wonderful state of board-crashing wonkiness, I have decided to take on Richard Lobinske's "Falling Into College".

I believe that I've actually read at least FIC #1, and I might have reviewed it somewhere, but I honestly can't remember where. Therefore, if the old review clashes with the new review, take the new review instead. I'm not a politician; like any other human being, I'm allowed to change my mind on things.

As I visited the hopefully-to-be-reactivated Outpost Daria, I learned something I didn't know -- there was a "prequel" series to "Falling Into College" called "The Last Summer Series". The series deals with that few months between Daria's graduation from Lawndale High School and her first days at Raft.

Since the story's not long, I'll sketch it out for you. Daria wakes up some short time after her final graduation speech at Lawndale High. However, she realized what happened the summer before -- Helen corralled Daria into taking an awful job that she didn't really like. True enough, when Daria walks downstairs, Helen is there to remind Daria of the importance of having a summer job. Mr. O'Neill is needing volunteers for the "Okay to Cry" Corral and...well, the rest doesn't need to be said.

The problem? How can Daria find a job that she wants to do instead of ending up at "Nut World" or some other awful place?

Lobinske solves the problem very simply, almost too simply. Without reading any of his work, Lobinske has mentioned that he's aware of criticism that things go too easily for Daria and company in his stories. And indeed, it appears that Daria and Jane have it easy at the end....

...until you read the end. Daria has found a way to beat the system. I had to chuckle at the ending.

(* * *)

P. S. It turns out I get a credit for giving critical suggestion. I didn't remember doing such a thing. I'll certainly take no credit for Dr. Lobinske's work, but maybe I can bask in Dr. Lobinske's glory. As Homer would say, "Mmmmmm...glory!"

Said, Replied, Stated

Finished reading: Earthfall, Episode 1 Part 1

If you wanted to know about my sleep study, I'll show you some pictures of the room. The first picture is that of my too-soft bed:



The next picture is a picture of an old CPAP machine. They never hooked me up, and I assume that the machine is just there for show. It undoubtedly reassures the testee that if she has to wear a CPAP, the apparatus won't take up much space. I hope it's only there for display because the safety check sticker reads "03/07" as the last checked date.



(* * *)

Now, on to "Earthfall, Epiosde 1 Part 1".

You might wonder why I broke out a "Klosterman Question" two days ago. Like most of Klosterman's questions, his answers can be applied to situations other than the ones given in the question.

The situation I was actually asking about is fan fiction. Take a work of fan fiction that has a poor appearance. Grammar is poor, there are no commas, verbs are used incorrectly, there are frequent spelling errors -- but the characterization and plot are superb. Then take the opposite sort of story, where there are no violations of grammar but the story itself is awful. Which should be corrected first, the grammar or the structure of the story?

Both persons answering said, in effect, "the grammar and presentation is more important." To borrow Scissors MacGillicutty's answer, if you have a crappy story that looks good, people might think that the story has some sort of unexplored depth...or that it's a parody of bad stories. Whereas even the best stories won't be read if they are poorly presented.

"Earthfall, Episode 1 Part 1" is unfortunately poorly presented. Rather than rip the story to pieces, I want to use the story as an illustrative exercise, a sort of post-beta reading to show what should have been done.

First...paragraphs. "A paragraph is a self-contained unit of a discourse in writing dealing with a particular point or idea, or the words of an author," according to Wikipedia. However, legendeld places each sentence on a separate line, like so:



The trip to the bridge only took a handful of seconds but the sounds of her boots hitting the deck plates seem to last forever.

Smoke poured out of damaged panels as a fire control team struggled to maintain the navigation system.

“75 seconds until PSR Captain.” One of the bridge crew stated with a shaky voice.


We know that very bad things are going on aboard the Henry Global. The ship has entered a gravity well and is taking damange. Daria's hurried trip to the bridge and the sounds and sights she sees all support the same idea or point -- namely, the imminent destruction of the ship.


The trip to the bridge only took a handful of seconds but the sounds of her boots hitting the deck plates seem to last forever. Smoke poured out of damaged panels as a fire control team struggled to maintain the navigation system. “Seventy-five seconds until PSR, captain," stated one of the bridge crew with a shaky voice.


When I write, I have a hard time with paragraphs. If you have several one-sentence sub-points you wish to make that all fall in the same category, should you write one paragraph or three paragraphs? Where should one paragraph begin and another one end. Should I have included the sentence about the ship entering the gravity well, or do the sentences related to the damage belong to their own separate paragraph?

It's hard to get a cut and dried answer. All you can do is experiment, and hope that someone will point out your most egregious sins.

I changed some of the grammar. A sentence should not begin with a number if you can avoid it. If it must begin with a number, the number has to be spelled out. Relatively small numbers like "seventy-five" are okay to spell out. If the number was, say, 3,250, I might have rewritten the above sentence so that it didn't start with the number.

Since the line about PSR is being spoken by a member of the bridge crew, and we are catching him in the act of speaking it, I ended that sentence with a comma. Furthermore, since the word "captain" is only capitalized when the title is applied to a person, I put the word in lower-case. In the next sentence, Captain Meels is speaking and since we are now refering to Meels with respect to his rank, it is okay to capitalize the word.

Some more dialogue between Captain Meels and LTC Daria Morgendorffer, provided by legendeld....


“Push forward. They won’t follow us down.” Captain Meels replied.

“Captain.” Daria called out as soon as she entered the bridge.

“Finished with your little report Commander.” The captain sneered.

“Why are you entering atmo?” She demanded.

“I have no intention of allowing these buggers to hold Earth for one more day.”Meels answered.

“Our orders are to engage, assess then withdraw.” Daria responded with force.


The rewrite:

“Push forward," said Captain Meels. "They won't follow us down."

Daria centered the bridge. "Captain," she said.

“Finished with your little report, Commander?"

“Why are you entering atmo?”

“I have no intention of allowing these buggers to hold Earth for one more day.”

“Our orders are to engage, assess then withdraw," said Daria, forcefully.

“I am exercising command prerogative.”

Daria approached Captain Meels. “The Mars attack group needs this information.”

“No they don’t. The Invid will be pushed off Earth in a matter of hours.”


One problem beginning writers have is an embarrassment in using the perfectly respectable part of speech "said". Rather than just use "said" some writers want to use labored synonyms for "said" with every sentence: "answered", "responded", "replied", "stated".

It is perfectly okay to use "said"! "But CINCGREEN," you might ask, "won't this look tacky? Every one of my sentences will end with 'said'"!

The solution is that if only two people are talking, you don't have to write "he said" or "she said". You can simply write what they say. Every now and then you might want to throw in a 'said' so that people don't lose track of who is speaking.

In long novels, you can find entire pages which are nothing more than quoted sentences or paragraphs. What makes things more confusing is that a simple declarative statement or response is a paragraph, and therefore deserves its own line. An example:

"...and Mrs. Calabash," said the district attorney, "isn't it true that you always hated Mr. Durante? Isn't it true that you stalked him for days? Isn't it true that you broke into his house to gain his bank accounts? Isn't it t---!"

"--I object!"

The courtroom went silent. District Attorney Hamilton turned to Perry Mason. "You can't object!"

"I just did!"

"No you didn't!"

"Yes, I did, and it's perfectly legal!"

"Your momma is legal!"

"That's what your momma told me last night when I was on her back!"

"Oh yeah? Well your momma -- !"

"--SILENCE!!" It was Judge Carver, who had had enough.


In short, "Earthfall" needs a lot of cleaning up. That's where a beta-reader comes in. In its present state, "Earthfall" is hard to read and even harder to follow. I hope legendeld can work the kinks out of it; he's already written several stories and I think as soon as he can get the grammar problems fixed, he'll get the increase in readership that prolific writers deserve.